I haven't posted in soo long! I've been so busy.

Update: we are having a baby girl! I can't believe it. So far everything is looking good. I am 18 weeks now.

I have to check on everyone now - make sure all my regular blogs have good news in them!

My doppler came today! It took me a few minutes to find baby but I did! Then my husband came home and I showed him. When he started talking to the baby the heartbeat went from the 140's to 160! I don't know if that means baby was excited or scared!

So am I having a boy with the heartrate in the 140s?? I am hoping we will find the gender out at the next appointment, April 10th. I will be just 16 weeks. Only two weeks and two days down to go!

When did everyone find out the gender??

depressing

I'm feeling really discouraged, because I thought I was triumphantly done with being sick. And now this week I'm sick again. Puking at night, not able to eat or drink past 5 or 6 pm, all day nausea. I can't believe this! From 10.5 weeks until 12.5 weeks I was so much better, eating so much more, not vomiting. I was sure it was over. WTF?
I am depressed and my husband is getting on my nerves. He complains that he can't cook himself dinner because the smells make me sick. I feel like if he was constantly sick he would understand that him making himself some stupid potatoes or bacon is not worth it. It's like I ran out my sympathy clock but I'm still sick!
I am not really enjoying being pregnant. I look really ugly, and I feel like crap. No glow here. I have to wait a full three weeks for my next ultrasound, so I'm worried as usual on top of everything. Did I mention that I'm really hairy and my hair is greasy and my skin is horrible?
I think I will buy a doppler, maybe hearing the heartbeat will help me get through these weeks between visits when I am just depressed. After seeing the baby, I do enjoy being pregnant for a good week afterwards.
Sorry for the complaining :(. Maybe I can get it all out here and stop whining to W. He's not really listening anymore anyway!

declaration

I met with my new Ob-Gyn Friday afternoon. Overall, I liked her and thought it was a good appointment. She "got it" - as soon as she began the scan, she said "Everything is perfect" because she understood I would be nervous, but she wasn't ready yet to turn the screen toward me. It was a small gesture of understanding but it was important.

And everything was perfect. The baby keeps gaining days - he or she measured 11 weeks and 6 days, so I am officially past 12 weeks. This was the best appointment yet. It felt like a real milestone. We've told our friends and W's family. We have gone public.

I am also no longer scared. I mean, I will always be scared in a way - I know everything doesn't go perfectly whether it's the first, second or third trimester, birth or life. Something terrible could happen to my husband, me, anyone, at any time, but I don't worry about it the way I've worried about losing this pregnancy up until now. But now, the worry has, just, left. I refuse, I cannot, I don't even feel like, holding myself back from happiness any longer. I am planning for a baby in September, in fact I am fully expecting it. I love it. I am talking to my belly. I am not counting days to my next appointment.

I am just a pregnant woman who is excited about her new baby, and with all the normal little worries that flutter in and out. I will not rob myself of this experience going forward.

I'm halfway through my long wait for my next scan, and until now I've been pretty calm. But I think one week is my limit - I'm starting to feel anxious and I can't believe I have another FULL WEEK until I can know things are okay, once again.

I've considered getting a Doppler but I keep hearing how it's very possible that it could be hard to find the baby's heartbeat and then I'd be even more worried than I am now.

Now that is out of the way, I want to ramble on like a regular old pregnant woman who just takes it for granted that everything will be fine.

Here goes: America is really excessively terrible with maternity leave. My company is so small I won't even be covered under FMLA. So I don't even have the luxurious 12 week unpaid leave with my job guaranteed. Pretty stupid. I already know I refuse to come back to work 12 weeks after my baby is born!

The ob-gyn I am seeing next week is affiliated with a hospital that is a great local hospital (I was born there) but I fear is way too old-fashioned for the natural birth I want to have. I'd love to give birth in a Birthing Center with a midwife, but at a hospital. W. is not comfortable with an actual midwife home birth and I'm not sure if I'm ready for that with some of my fears. I don't think this magical place exists near me so I will have to keep thinking about it (I have tons of time!)

One of my favorite daydream-y pregnant things is thinking about names. I've noticed that none of the pregnant bloggers I've been reading post about the names they are considering or talk much about it. I guess it's become a very top-secret item, but I love listing names I like, talking to W about them, arguing, imagining my child with a name. It's the best.

So here is my list of names! To understand fully, you have to know our last name is a one syllable name that is also an English word (an adjective). It describes the taste of sugar. (Wow, so un-anonymous for the internets, oh well!) So we have to be reallllllly careful of any names that will sound too cutesy, too out of a picture book.

Boy

Henry - W. and I both love, my family hates it
William (Will) - My number 1 but W. has a nephew with this name. We see them rarely, the nephew is about 18, and they live across the country. So it's still in consideration. What do you think about having cousins with the same name, considering these circumstances (age gap, distance)?

Girl

Anna- We both like but I am worried it's too common. Sounds great with our last name, and has some family significance. I also love Annie as a nickname.

Louisa -I love this, I know it's a bit unusual. My grandmother is Maria Louise so it's an homage, plus I think it's so pretty.

Lucy - I like, but needs a full name and I am not a fan of Lucille. This is W's grandmother. He LIKES Lucille! Maybe we could do Lucia? I wonder if this is too 2008-2009 trendy too, like here's Lucy and Jack and Max at their Upper East Side playgroup!

Other names that don't seem to work, but we've thrown out there: Antoinette, Antonia, Catherine (Cat for short but W. nixed this totally), Maria, Francesca (I love this to death but my mom is Fran, so that's weird plus I would not want Fran as a nickname), Lydia, and I used to love Penelope with Penny as a nickname but I think I've grown out of it, and it would sound absolutely ridiculous with our last name.

I also love Edmund for a boy (little Eddie and then grown up Ed) but W thinks this is a beat me up name. Apparently The Chronicles of Nar.nia have influenced me in ways I never knew.


What do you think? Names are such subjective things, I love hearing what other people think of them.

happy Monday

Aaaah, a snow day. "Working" from home, the luxury to run to the bathroom every half hour and cuddle my dog in between emails and calls. Morning sickness is starting to ease up, replaced with other, ahem, problems.

My ob-gyn appointment is a week from this Friday, March 13th. I just realized that's Friday the 13th...oh well. This has been my longest stretch between visits, but it's normal and I need to just deal with it. I'm not as nervous as I was earlier in the pregnancy but of course there is a part of me that thinks over-confidence is just the pride before a fall. I'm mostly ignoring that part of me, and trying to just think about other things for the next two weeks and just get to that appointment. I decided that if all is well at that appointment, since I will be just shy of 12 weeks I will start telling people then. 10 weeks and 1 day today. I know it's not out of the woods but I feel less nervous. Am I crazy?

The pictures look so great, so clear in real life but they scanned horribly!

Bambino looks like a teddy bear/ doll. I love it!